The Misadventures of Valora Allepheels
by DreamofFeels
Summary: My feels have taken on a physical form. This is pretty much an inside joke between friends. Rated M just in case xD
1. AG aka Spiderman

It was past one in the morning. I'd been awake, talking to my friends about the emergency feels pockets I'd just sewn into my jacket. I laid my head down on my pillow just in time to see two spiders crawl across the ceiling. They climbed on top of each other and were just acting strange. I decided to tell my friends.

"Hey, two spiders are making love on my wall. Maybe that means Andrew Garfield/Spiderman is coming to visit," I typed as a joke. "Maybe he's drunk. The only thing better than Andrew Garfield is a drunk Andrew Garfield."

"How do spiders have sex?" my friend, Laura, asked.

"I suppose how Spiderman has sex," I waited for about a minute, "HOWEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS TO." My friends and I lol'd over it. Then, to my surprise, I heard a knock on my window.

At first, I wasn't going to look. It was almost one thirty in the morning. AND it could have been a friend with a dumb Slenderman joke. When I heard another knock, I decided I couldn't just ignore it. It _was_ very early in the morning, so it had better be a pretty fucking funny joke.

I pulled the curtains away to reveal Andrew Garfield perched outside. I let him in because it was Andrew. Fucking. Garfield. What was the chance of this happening a second time? I was just amazed that one of my favorite people would actually be at my house. This was pretty strange though. He was only wearing boxers and his web-shooting wrist gadgets. When he got closer to me I could smell alcohol on his breath.

"But Spiderman is half human so his sex would be different," Laura messaged me.

"Well, I might be able to tell you how Spiderman has sex in a minute," I replied.

"How?"

"There's a drunk, half naked Spiderman standing in my room."

"Take a picture!" Laura and my other friend exclaimed.

"I have to find my camera, gods dammit! I think I left it in the basement. What would I tell my mom is she saw Andrew?" I asked. Andrew was following me as I paced my room. He was like an untrained puppy that wouldn't stay no matter how many times you told it to.

"You're twenty-fucking-one years old! You haven't moved out yet. Wouldn't your mom expect this?" Jessie, my other friend, argued.

"Just say 'You didn't see anything'," Laura suggested.

"That won't work," I frowned.

"You need to say it, hiding the lust in your eyes and the smirk that is slowly forming," she instructed. I couldn't believe it! She knew I was smirking! Then again, I always smirk like a constipated rapist when crazy shit happens to me.

"So... um... Andrew, why are you only wearing boxers?" I turned to face the man in my room.

"It's okay, darling. I'm wearing hair and eyes too," Andrew smiled. It's not like I had a problem with that. His eyes were a beautiful shade of brown and his hair always looked good, no matter how dumb he thought he looked.

I picked up my iPod and typed, "Hey, guise. If I stop replying, there's a reason." For the first time since climbing through my window, Andrew turned around and I could see huge scrapes on his back. "What happened?"

"Oh, these? I was uh... swinging around and ran out of webbing. I fell," Andrew frowned. "It hurt."

I had a first-aid kit in my room because I was always getting hurt. I took it out. "Come over here and I'll take care of those."

"Alright," Andrew stumbled over to me. "Be gentle." If he wasn't actually hurt, I would have made a 'that's what she said' joke. I carefully cleaned the scrapes and put gauze over them, just in case they bled any more. "Thanks," Andrew smiled.

That single smiled melted me. It was much cuter in person.

"So... why are you uh... here? You're famous. You could be anywhere," I asked, although I probably already knew the answer; He's drunk and thinks he's somewhere else. I might as well enjoy this because it probably will never happen again.

"I came to visit you. You're Valora Allepheels, why wouldn't I visit you?" he looked at me with big, brown puppy eyes. I could honestly list thousands of reasons why he wouldn't visit me but, my insides were melting.

"I don't know," I shrugged. Andrew turned around to face the wall. I thought I may have hurt his feels.

"So do you want to know what I want to do?" Andrew suddenly spun back around with a smirk. That was it. My ovaries blew up.

"No! My ovaries!" I dropped to my knees.

"That's exactly what I had intended," he chuckled.

"But what if I wanted to use them?"

"Get a new set later."

"That's possible?"

"Anything is possible with... imagination," Andrew spread his hands to make an invisible rainbow. "Now, let's get down to business," Andrew climbed onto my bed.

"No, man. This is too much for my feels. I cannot even. I can't even. I literally am unable to even," I stopped.

"Let me help you," Andrew pulled me onto the bed and began kissing me. He crawled on top of me. I couldn't take it anymore. My feels took over and I blacked out.

_Five Hours Later..._

"Valora," I heard my mom's voice, "time to get up for- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" My eyes popped open. Andrew was asleep on top of me. I nudged him awake. He then got up, lept out the window, and disappeared.

"What was what?" I looked at my mom.

"I don't even want to know anymore..." she slowly backed out of the room.

_**(This was much longer in my notebook. ;_; Meh creys. This is an inside joke between some friends and me...)**_


	2. TH aka Loki

It had been two days since I got my new ovary implants. I was on my way home from lunch with a friend. I stepped onto the bus after it pulled to a stop in front of me. The rest of the passengers that had been waiting got on and took their seats. I had just gotten comfortable when the man behind me leaned forwards.

"Hello, darling," he whispered in my ear. I turned around to see who it was. The face I saw looking back at me surprised me. It was Tom Hiddleston! He flashed a grin at me. My ovaries exploded.

"No! My ovaries!" I shrieked in pain.

"Ehehehehehe! Loki'd!" Tom laughed.

"But... I just got new ones," I frowned.

"Ehehehe, sorry," Tom apologized.

"Now I have to go back for ANOTHER surgery."

"Ehehehehe."

_**(I am aware this is short. I do have a life.)**_

_**(That was a lie. I don't do things with my life.)**_


End file.
